


Janus Tries to Cook

by DoomedKelpie



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Cooking, Crack, Emetophobia, Humor, Remus being Remus, slight emetophobia triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27500428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoomedKelpie/pseuds/DoomedKelpie
Summary: It turns out Janus is the absolute WORST cook. (Pretty much crack)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 41





	Janus Tries to Cook

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go with another random idea.

Janus was, quite literally, the  _ worst _ cook.  _ Ever _ . And not the worst as in he burns things or adds too much salt or just never actually tries. No- Janus, the other sides had come to find out, cooked all the time, and he was the kind of bad that somehow made him think that mixing  _ ketchup _ with  _ whipped cream _ not only counted as a meal but a good one.

“I’m afraid I  _ entirely _ understand what the big deal is,” Janus told them, face deadpan as he lifted another spoonful of his god-awful concoction to his mouth.

Roman found himself gagging, turning away as he was unable to watch Janus continue eating that  _ abomination _ . 

“Jesus Christ, Deceit, how did you manage to become  _ worse _ at cooking since I left?!” Virgil questioned, holding his head in despair.

Janus merely shrugged and continued eating.

“It’s- it’s not even really a  _ meal _ ,” Roman pointed out. “It’s a condiment and a topping!”

“It’s not a meal if you’re a coward,” Janus responded evenly, as though this situation wasn’t entirely ridiculous.

“...Deceit, I have fought all manner of terrifying beast, but if not eating  _ that _ makes me a coward, I will  _ gladly _ accept the title,” Roman returned.

“It’s not like I’m making  _ you _ eat it,” said Janus.

“Janus, I was going to make lunch in a few minutes. You don’t have to eat that,” Patton told him, hoping that Janus had just been hungry and would stop eating the bowl of horror if he was offered something better.

Instead of answering, Janus just stared him right in the eye and took another bite. Patton paled. 

“Although taste is, in fact, subjective, nutrition is not,” Logan added. “And…  _ that _ … contains little to no nutritional value.”

“Ah, yes, because it’s not like we’re  _ imaginary _ or anything,” Janus replied, pointing his spoon toward Logan. “My imaginary body will  _ most definitely  _ become malnourished, and I will  _ die _ .”

He kept eating. Oh,  _ God _ how much was in that bowl?

“Deceit, you can’t  _ possibly _ think that tastes good,” Roman insisted. “You know what food is supposed to be. You know that  _ no one _ eats that. Why would you even think to make that for lunch?!”

“Remus eats this.”

“... Are you  _ seriously _ trying to convince me this is normal by claiming  _ my brother _ does it?” 

Janus shrugged. 

“He’s Remus! He eats deodorant!”

“Ah, yes, the deodorant. I wasn’t much of a fan of that one.”

“... Oh. My. GOD!”

“... You didn’t… really eat the deodorant, did you?” Patton asked, worrying over the fact that deodorant is quite literally not edible.

“Virgil,” Roman spoke again, turning toward the other side. “ _ Please _ tell me this is just a joke. I can’t handle this being real.”

Virgil sighed, looking very much like he just wanted to sink into the floor and never come back up.

“No, no, he’s serious with this,” Virgil told him. “Remus is the one who taught him to cook, and they always cooked the absolute  _ worst _ things all the time. Eventually, Janus became the worse one, though.”

“He’s  _ worse _ than Remus…?” 

Virgil nodded. 

“... Dear God…,” Roman rasped, not wanting to believe it. “Have you no taste buds?!”

Janus took another bite, and Roman gagged again.

“ _ Please _ for the love of absolutely  _ everything _ , stop eating that!” Roman begged. 

Finally, Janus put down the spoon.

“Very well, then. I’m finished anyway.”

And sure enough, the bowl was empty, and Janus went to wash it in the sink.

“OH MY  _ GOD _ , HE ACTUALLY ATE ALL OF IT! NOTHING IS RIGHT IN THIS WORLD ANYMORE!”

“Drama queen,” Janus mumbled to himself before sinking out and leaving the others to process what they had just seen.

XXX

After the ‘ _ whipped ketchup’ _ incident, the others had tried their best to keep Janus from cooking. Patton had started cooking meals earlier in an attempt to keep Janus from getting hungry before the food was ready, and every time anyone saw Janus so much as  _ look _ toward the kitchen, they pulled him away with a distraction. 

This, however, turned out to be entirely ineffective because:

  1. They couldn’t watch Janus all the time.
  2. He ate meals whenever rather than at typical mealtimes.
  3. He didn’t _like_ most of the normal food Patton made.
  4. _No matter how hard they tried, every time he ate with them, he would inevitably add something to his food that brought it to the same state of dreaded inedibility._



“Janus,  _ whyyyyyyy _ ,” Virgil groaned as he watched the snake add sweet relish and strawberry jam to his spaghetti. 

In a fit of uncharacteristic emotion, Logan looked quite similar to Virgil- meaning that he looked disgusted and absolutely horrified.

“... I think he may have just ruined Crofter’s jam forever…,” Logan mumbled, crestfallen.

“I’m  _ definitely _ using all of it,” Janus replied, acting as though the amount of jam he was using, rather than the jam being used at all, was the issue.

Logan covered his eyes. 

“...I can’t watch this desecration of Crofter’s.”

“It’s not  _ my _ fault you all forced me to eat with you,” Janus told them, huffing. “If you don’t want to watch me eat, maybe stop trying to keep me out of the kitchen when I’m hungry.”

“Janus, how is that  _ not _ making you sick?” Patton asked as Janus continued to ruin the dinner he had made.

“Like, do you  _ really _ just not taste things?” Roman asked again. “Is it some kind of a snake thing? Do snakes taste things?”

“Ah yes, I can’t taste a  _ single _ thing,” Janus responded with a roll of his eyes. “It’s not like I haven’t expressed flavor-based preferences.”

“HOW can you taste things and PREFER the things  _ you _ eat?!”

That meal was the last time they forced Janus to eat meals with them. Everyone else felt too nauseous from watching him eat to actually eat their own food. And so it was that they all tried to live in blissful ignorance of the abominations Janus ate. But avoiding seeing Janus cook could only go on for so long.

XXX

The next time they found Janus eating was when they’d heard an excessive amount of clattering in the kitchen. Janus, despite the chaotic nature of the food he consumed, always made that food relatively quietly, and they luckily weren’t even usually aware of when he was cooking. But this was loud, and so they went to investigate…

And found Janus and Remus baking cookies together.

“Why can’t we add the mustard, Remus?” Janus asked, sounding annoyed and almost whiny.

“DeeDee, we already added kidney beans, dish soap, cream-of-mushroom soup, fish sauce, and lemon peel. I’m pretty sure they don’t even count as cookies anymore,” Remus explained, somehow being the rational one here. “Even  _ I  _ don’t want to eat these, and I eat pickled-poo-log deodorant!”

“... You’re no fun…,” Janus said, and yes, he was actually  _ pouting _ .

“... Oh  _ God _ , what are you making  _ now _ ?” Roman asked in horror.

“Cookies.”

“No.  _ No _ , you are  _ not _ .”

Remus turned toward his brother, fear in his eyes.

“Brother, I’m afraid I created a monster.”

“Ya think?” Virgil chimed in from behind Roman, not wanting to get too close to whatever horrors were happening in the kitchen. 

Meanwhile, While Remus looked away, Janus had started squeezing yellow mustard into the bowl of ‘cookie dough.’

“OH MY GOD, JANUS, NO!”

“JANUS YES!”

XXX

The next time they found Janus in the kitchen, they braced themselves for dealing with what was sure to be another nightmare. Instead, they saw that Janus was sitting at the kitchen table, eating what  _ appeared _ to be a normal PB & J.

“Deceit… please tell us that’s just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich,” Roman begged.

“... What’s peanut butter?”

“Oh no.”

XXX

And that was why they eventually helped Janus build a kitchen in his room. 

With that, there was finally peace.

The End :3

**Author's Note:**

> I got the idea for this because I was eating some hash browns with ketchup for lunch, and my mom made some toaster waffles and put some whipped cream on them. I then wondered what would happen if I mixed the whipped cream with ketchup. Then I thought it would be funny if Janus did it. 


End file.
